Trudeau Unveils New ‘Apology Budget’: Every Canadian to Receive Personalized ‘Sorry’ Letter Instead of Tax Relief

OTTAWA – In an unprecedented move that truly captures the essence of Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has unveiled the government’s latest budget, affectionately dubbed the “Apology Budget.” Instead of tax relief, economic stimulus, or any meaningful reduction in grocery prices, every Canadian will receive a personalized letter from the PM himself, simply saying:

“Sorry, eh?”

“We Hear You, Canada”

Addressing the nation from behind a podium adorned with strategically placed Canadian flags and maple syrup bottles, Trudeau assured citizens that his government understands their financial struggles.

“Canadians have been through a lot,” he said, adjusting his cufflinks with an air of well-practiced sincerity. “And while some might say that tax cuts or affordability measures are the way forward, we believe there is nothing more fundamentally Canadian than a heartfelt, state-funded apology.”

The Apology Letters, which will be mailed out via Canada Post (expected delivery: sometime between next Tuesday and the heat death of the universe), will include:

✅ A warm yet vague acknowledgment of economic hardship.
✅ A hand-signed signature from the Prime Minister (pre-stamped with approval by three focus groups).
✅ A Tim Hortons gift card, loaded with an amount “between $5 and market rate for a single Timbit.”

Canadians will also have the option to “upgrade” their apology experience. By applying online through the new Sorry Portal™, they can receive:

• A holographic Trudeau signature (for an extra $19.95, plus service fees).
• An optional apology recording, where the Prime Minister will personally say “Sorry” in either official language (but not both, unless you qualify for the Heritage Apology Program).
• A limited-edition Sorry Sticker, featuring Trudeau shrugging in a relatable, millennial-friendly font.

Opposition Slams Budget, But No One is Surprised

Critics were quick to respond, with Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre calling the apology letters “the single most out-of-touch policy decision since Trudeau’s vacation budget.”

“This government is completely out of touch with the average Canadian,” Poilievre said while standing in front of a deflated gas pump for dramatic effect. “The only apology Canadians want is for eight years of rising costs, out-of-control spending, and the fact that our housing market now requires a sacrifice to the gods to enter.”

Meanwhile, Jagmeet Singh and the NDP released a statement calling for an “enhanced apology system” where every Sorry Letter is followed up by a second, more emotional Sorry Letter, hand-delivered by a government employee.

“At the very least, we need an apology that comes with a carbon tax rebate,” Singh added, before being drowned out by a Tim Hortons drive-thru speaker malfunction.

Public Reaction: ‘Well, At Least It’s Something’

Reaction on the ground was mixed.

• “Honestly? Could be worse. I was expecting a pamphlet about how to budget better instead of help,” said Tom, a single father from Saskatoon.
• “Are they mailing these through Canada Post? So… we’ll get them in 2028?” asked Melissa, a university student from Halifax.
• “I just hope it comes with a coupon for milk. Or rent. Or maybe, y’know, a functioning economy,” added Dave, a disgruntled taxpayer from Calgary.

Final Thoughts: Will This Work?

With affordability concerns at an all-time high, it remains to be seen whether this bold new “Sorry-Based Economy” will have the intended effect.

Until then, expect Canada Post to be overloaded with apology letters, tax receipts, and your neighbour’s Amazon package that somehow got delivered to your house again.