Toronto Maple Leafs Announce Five-Year Plan to Lose in Round 2 Instead of Round 1

By Randy Slapchuk – Flin Flon, Manitoba

TORONTO – It’s that time of year again, folks. The Toronto Maple Leafs have unveiled their latest Five-Year Plan™, a bold new strategy in which they actually plan on making it past Round 1… before collapsing spectacularly in Round 2.

This is a huge step forward for the franchise. For years, Leafs fans have been conditioned to expect one outcome in April:
☑️ False hope.
☑️ Crushing disappointment.
☑️ A grainy photo of a sad guy in a Doug Gilmour jersey drinking an $18 beer.

But not this time! This time, according to Leafs management, the team is aiming to raise expectations even higher before dashing them completely.

“We believe this new plan will really build momentum,” said Leafs GM Brad Treliving, “By getting fans more emotionally invested, the heartbreak will be twice as devastating—making it a richer, deeper experience.”

The Key Components of the Leafs’ Five-Year Plan™:

1️⃣ Draft some good players. (Probably. We’ll see. Depends who’s available.)
2️⃣ Sign a goaltender who won’t implode by April. (Unlikely, but let’s dream big.)
3️⃣ Spend all remaining cap space on someone who is ‘gritty’ but completely unnecessary.
4️⃣ Raise playoff ticket prices to $500 per seat because, screw it, people will still pay.
5️⃣ Get eliminated in Round 2 in the most dramatic way possible.

When asked why they weren’t aiming for a Stanley Cup, Treliving choked on his water and changed the subject.

The Fans React: ‘I Guess That’s Progress?’

The reaction from long-suffering Leafs fans has been a mix of cautious optimism and inevitable dread.

• “I mean, sure, Round 2 sounds nice. But how are we losing this one? Blown lead? Bad call? Goalie lets in a beach ball?” – Mark, lifelong Leafs fan who definitely doesn’t cry himself to sleep in April.
• “This feels like my ex saying he’s gonna ‘work on himself’ but not actually doing anything different.” – Jessica, who has wisely switched to cheering for the Blue Jays instead.
• “At this point, I’m just here for the memes.” – Devin, who has already pre-ordered his ‘Leafs Golf Season 2025’ shirt.

Meanwhile, Sportsnet analysts are scrambling to act like this is big news, with TSN airing a full-hour special on whether or not ‘the culture is changing in Toronto.’ (Spoiler: It’s not.)

Around the NHL: Other Canadian Teams React

Not to be outdone by Toronto’s “ambitious” goals, other Canadian teams have announced their own long-term strategies:

• The Edmonton Oilers – “We will continue to be good, but not too good.”
• The Vancouver Canucks – “We have no plan, but we’re here for the vibes.”
• The Winnipeg Jets – “Please, somebody notice us.”
• The Calgary Flames – “Don’t talk to us. We are suffering.”
• The Montreal Canadiens – “We are a storied franchise (even if we suck right now).”

Final Thoughts: There’s Always Next Year (™)

Look, we all know how this ends. The Leafs are about to put their fans through another six months of false hope, questionable trades, and one absolutely humiliating playoff moment that will be memed for decades.

And yet, come October, the city of Toronto will once again convince itself that ‘this is the year.’

It’s adorable, really.

In unrelated news, beer sales are projected to skyrocket in Ontario this April.