Privacy Policy

Effective Date: March 15, 2025

1. Introduction

Welcome to The Maple Curtain! Your privacy is important to us, even though we make fun of almost everything else. This Privacy Policy explains how we collect, use, and protect your personal information when you visit our website, sign up for our newsletter, or interact with us on social media.

By using our website, you agree to the terms outlined below. If you don’t, we recommend closing your browser, drinking a double-double, and pretending you never saw this page.

2. Information We Collect

We collect information in the following ways:

📩 When You Subscribe to Our Newsletter:

• Name (or alias)
• Email address (so we can send you Maple Curtain updates, not spam)

📱 When You Engage on Social Media:

• Public interactions such as comments, likes, and shares
• Any messages you send us (but let’s be honest, we probably won’t read the angry ones)

📊 Automatically Collected Data:
Like any website, we use analytics tools to gather anonymous data, such as:

• Pages visited
• How long you stayed (or rage-quit)
• Your general location (but not your igloo’s exact coordinates)

We do not collect sensitive personal information, nor do we track you in a creepy, government-conspiracy way.

3. How We Use Your Information

We use your information to:
✔️ Send you our newsletter (if you sign up)
✔️ Improve our website and content (because even satire can be optimized)
✔️ Interact with you on social media (if we feel like it)
✔️ Ensure The Maple Curtain remains the best source of fake news in Canada

We do not sell, trade, or rent your information to third parties. Not even for a lifetime supply of Timbits.

4. Cookies & Tracking Technologies

Yes, we use cookies—not the delicious kind, but the ones that help our site function properly. These tiny data files help us:

• Remember if you’ve visited before
• Analyze how visitors engage with our content
• Show you things that might actually interest you

You can disable cookies in your browser settings if you want, but it might make the site look weird.

5. Third-Party Services & Social Media

The Maple Curtain may include links to social media pages and third-party services (e.g., our email provider for newsletters). Clicking on those links means their privacy policies apply, not ours. So, if Facebook or Twitter does something shady with your data, blame them, not us.

6. Your Choices & Rights

We respect your right to privacy. You can:
🚫 Unsubscribe from our newsletter anytime (we won’t take it personally… much).
🛑 Disable cookies in your browser.
📩 Contact us if you have privacy concerns (but be nice about it, eh?).

7. Data Security

We take reasonable measures to protect your data, but let’s be real—no website is 100% hack-proof. If some rogue hacker really wants to steal your newsletter subscription, well, that’s a weird choice, but okay.

8. Changes to This Policy

We may update this Privacy Policy from time to time. If we do, we’ll let you know—probably by updating this page and making a sarcastic post about it on social media.

9. Contact Information

If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, you can reach out to us at:
📧 sorry@themaplecurtain.com
📍 The Maple Curtain HQ (Location: Somewhere between a snowbank and a Tim Hortons)