Poilievre Promises to ‘Bring Home’ Economy—Forgets Where He Left It

By Karen Taxley – Ottawa, Ontario

OTTAWA – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has once again vowed to “bring home” the Canadian economy, but when pressed for details, he appeared to have no idea where it currently is.

“We are going to take back control of this economy,” Poilievre declared at a press conference held outside a Tim Hortons (strategically chosen for maximum relatability). “We’re going to bring it home where it belongs—safe and sound.”

However, when reporters asked where, exactly, the economy currently resides, Poilievre stared blankly for a long time before responding, “Listen, that’s not important. What matters is that Trudeau lost it.”

The Search for the Economy Begins

Determined to locate the economy before the next election cycle, Poilievre has announced the formation of a “Find the Economy” Task Force, featuring:

🔎 A 1998 road map of Canada, heavily creased.
🔎 One (1) gas station cashier in Red Deer willing to provide tips.
🔎 A Tim Hortons rewards card with one free coffee left, which Poilievre has decided to save ‘for when times get really bad.’

“We’re leaving no stone unturned,” promised Poilievre, flipping over a small rock for emphasis. “If I have to check every gas station, Loblaws, and local Dollarama to find this economy, I will.”

Theories on the Economy’s Disappearance

With no official government statement on the economy’s exact location, Canadians have been left to speculate:

💰 Theory #1: It’s Trapped in Trudeau’s Sock Drawer.
(Unlikely, but not impossible. He does own a lot of socks.)

💰 Theory #2: Loblaws Bought It.
(The economy may have been quietly acquired and marked up 40% with an “Everyday Low Price” sticker.)

💰 Theory #3: It Was Last Seen at a Toronto Open House.
(A couple reportedly bid on it, but it was later bought by an investor who never even looked inside.)

💰 Theory #4: It Moved to Alberta.
(Oil prices are rising, and Alberta is claiming they “always knew how to run things anyway.”)

💰 Theory #5: It’s Actually Doing Fine, Just Not for Regular People.
(CEO bonuses remain mysteriously unaffected.)

Trudeau Responds: A Word Salad of Encouragement

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has assured Canadians that the economy is still “somewhere” and that his government is “working diligently to build a future that includes prosperity, affordability, and inclusive fiscal pathways for all Canadians.”

“This is a moment where we need to recognize that the economy is a dynamic and evolving concept,” said Trudeau, sweating under the press conference lights. “While some may suggest that it is ‘missing,’ I would argue that it is simply in transition—moving toward an environmentally conscious, diverse, and digitally inclusive space where all Canadians can share in its journey.”

At no point in the speech did Trudeau explain where the economy actually is.

Canadians React

The announcement has left Canadians with more questions than answers:

🗣️ “What does ‘bringing home’ even mean? Can we put the economy in a suitcase?” – Dave, 42, Tim Hortons Customer
🗣️ “I haven’t seen the economy in months. If you find it, tell it I miss it.” – Leah, 31, Works Three Jobs
🗣️ “If they find it, will I finally be able to afford butter again?” – Chris, 56, Looking at Grocery Prices in Horror

Meanwhile, economic analysts say the only thing actually moving right now is rent prices.

Poilievre’s Next Steps

Despite a lack of clarity, Poilievre insists that his plan to “bring home” the economy remains strong and effective.

“We just need to roll up our sleeves, tighten our belts, and get to work,” he said, using every blue-collar metaphor available. “And once I find this economy, I promise I will hold it up in my hands and bring it back where it belongs!”

A reporter then asked if that meant Canadians would see tax relief, lower grocery bills, or a livable minimum wage.

Poilievre quickly left the press conference.