Ontario’s New Budget: 100% of Funds Now Allocated to Fixing the QEW

By Karen Taxley – Ottawa, Ontario

TORONTO – In a move that has shocked economists, commuters, and anyone who’s ever sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic between Oakville and Niagara Falls, the Ontario government has announced that its entire budget will now be used exclusively to fix the Queen Elizabeth Way (QEW).

“We realized we were spreading resources too thin,” said Finance Minister Peter Bethlenfalvy. “So instead of pretending we can fix everything, we’re just going all-in on the QEW. If we’re going to fix one thing, it might as well be this godforsaken stretch of road.”

The bold decision means that every single provincial dollar for 2024—previously earmarked for healthcare, education, and infrastructure—will now be poured directly into endless QEW construction projects that probably still won’t be finished in our lifetime.

Where Is the Money Going?

According to the official budget breakdown, the new funding plan will be used as follows:

🚧 40% – Permanent Construction Crews (so they never have to leave the road, ever.)
🚧 20% – Giant “EXPECT DELAYS” Signs (in case you forgot where you were.)
🚧 15% – Traffic Cones (because Ontario law requires at least 10 cones per square foot of construction.)
🚧 10% – Consultants to Study Why the QEW Is So Bad (Spoiler: we already know, but let’s pay them anyway.)
🚧 10% – Fixing That One Section Near Burlington That’s Been Under Construction Since the 1800s
🚧 5% – Extra Snowplows for the 3 Days Per Year When We Pretend to Care About Winter Driving

Commuters React: ‘So… Will This Actually Fix Anything?’

The announcement has left Ontario drivers divided:

🗣️ “I’ll believe it when I see it.” – Dave, 46, Who Has Spent Half His Life on the QEW
🗣️ “So… does this mean my hospital is closing?” – Lisa, 38, Who Just Needed Surgery But Now Has to Take the QEW to Buffalo Instead
🗣️ “If they don’t fix the lane mergers near Mississauga, I’m moving to Quebec.” – Greg, 52, Longtime Sufferer of QEW Rage

Meanwhile, the Ford government insists that this is a “historic investment” in Ontario’s future.

“We’re committed to making the QEW a world-class highway,” said Premier Doug Ford, standing beside a shiny new ‘Ontario Is Open for Business’ sign, which was immediately swallowed by a pothole.

Critics Say This Won’t Work—Because It Never Has

Despite the massive funding increase, critics say that throwing money at the QEW won’t solve anything because:

❌ The road has been “under construction” since Confederation.
❌ Any repairs made will be immediately undone by next winter.
❌ There will still somehow be at least one section of roadwork “for the next 12-18 months.”
❌ The second they finish one part, they’ll rip up another.

“The QEW is a living, breathing entity,” said traffic analyst Mark Reynolds. “Like a phoenix, it dies and is reborn in the same traffic congestion, over and over again.”

Alternative Budget Suggestions That Were Rejected

Before deciding to spend everything on the QEW, the Ontario government considered the following alternatives:

🚫 Fixing Other Roads – Too logical. Immediately vetoed.
🚫 Investing in Public Transit – Why take the train when you can sit in QEW traffic for three hours?
🚫 Giving Taxpayers a Break – Lol. No.
🚫 Just Giving the Money to Loblaws So They Stop Pretending to Be Broke – This was actually almost approved.

Ultimately, Premier Ford decided that “if Ontario is going to waste money, we might as well waste it on something people complain about the most.”

What’s Next for the QEW?

🔮 A $1 billion project to build a dedicated lane for people having mental breakdowns in traffic.
🔮 The introduction of a “Construction Viewing Fee” so Ontarians can start paying directly to stare at orange cones.
🔮 An official government statement in 2025 admitting “we have no idea what we’re doing.”Meanwhile, drivers are advised to expect delays… forever.