Northern Ontario Curling Team Accidentally Qualifies for Nationals After “Boys Weekend” Gone Too Well

📝 By Randy Slapchuk – Thunder Bay, Ontario

SPLINTER LAKE, ON – What started as a beer-fuelled boys’ weekend at the local curling club has turned into an unexpected national-level crisis, after a Northern Ontario men’s team accidentally qualified for the Canadian Curling Championships.

Team Skip Happens, made up of four guys who usually curl “just to get away from the kids,” swept their way through regionals after their original opponents failed to show up due to “moose-related highway delays.”

By the time they realized they were in a real tournament, it was too late—they’d won their third straight match and were being fitted for official jackets with their names stitched in Comic Sans.

“We just thought this was one of those charity bonspiels where the prize is a meat tray,” said lead Doug “Sparky” Lemieux, 44, while sipping a rye and ginger from a thermos. “Next thing I know, I’m on a Zoom call with Curling Canada and someone’s asking if we’re ‘media ready.’ I told them I don’t even own a Twitter.”

The Team: A Breakdown

• Skip: Gary “Garry with two R’s” Desjardins – Known for yelling “Hurry hard!” even when the rock’s not moving.
• Third: Wayne Lortie – Brings an emotional support Lab to every match. The dog is named Pebble.
• Second: Mike “Big Tuna” McAllister – Throws every rock like it owes him money.
• Lead: Doug “Sparky” Lemieux – Once broke a broom mid-sweep and kept going with a pool noodle.

None of the team owns matching uniforms. During regionals, they wore a mix of Snowmobile Club hoodies, TSC ball caps, and one jersey that just said “#1 Dad.”

An Unexpected Winning Strategy

Their gameplay has been described by competitors as “chaotic neutral”, relying on:
🥌 Distracting opponents with beer offers mid-end
🥌 Blasting Shania Twain over the club speakers at strategic moments
🥌 Forgetting the score, which somehow keeps the pressure off

“We don’t strategize,” says Garry. “We just vibe with the ice.”

Despite their unconventional methods, they managed to knock out three top-ranked teams, largely due to sheer luck, hot streaks, and opponents not wanting to sweep anymore.

Reaction from the Curling Community

Curling Canada has confirmed Skip Happens will be attending Nationals in Kingston next month. Reaction has been mixed:

🗣️ “This is what makes curling great. You can be good… or just show up and confuse people.” – Former Brier champ
🗣️ “It’s a disgrace. I spent 12 years perfecting my delivery, and these guys qualified wearing cargo pants.” – Bitter semi-finalist

🗣️ “Their dog peed on the button. Twice.” – Ice tech from Regionals

Training Regimen (Sort Of)

The team has begun “intensive preparation,” which includes:
🏋️ Daily Tim Hortons runs for morale
🏋️ Watching old Kevin Martin matches “for science”
🏋️ Practicing aim by sliding beer cans across the basement floor
🏋️ Debating whether they can expense hotel rooms as a “municipal service”

They’ve also started a GoFundMe titled “Help the Boys Get to Kingston (We Spent the Prize Money Already)”—which at time of press had $37, two coupons, and a message from someone named “Uncle Rick” that just says “Don’t embarrass us.”

What’s Next for Skip Happens?

“We’re just taking it one rock at a time,” says Garry, squinting into the distance like a man who’s only half-joking. “And if we win Nationals… God help us, we’ll have to go international. Do you need a passport to curl in Vegas?”

The rest of the team nods solemnly. Pebble wags his tail. The fate of small-town curling pride now rests on the shoulders of four guys who just wanted a weekend away from house chores.