Loblaws CEO Recommends Canadians ‘Just Stop Eating’ to Save Money

By Lenny Loonie – Calgary, Alberta

CALGARY – In a bold new cost-cutting initiative, Loblaws CEO Galen Weston Jr. has recommended that struggling Canadians ‘just stop eating’ as a way to deal with rising food costs.

“Our research shows that the best way to avoid high grocery bills is to simply not buy groceries,” Weston announced while standing in front of an expensive charcuterie spread. “We understand times are tough, which is why we’re offering Canadians the innovative option of self-imposed starvation.”

When asked whether Loblaws would consider lowering food prices instead, Weston laughed for five full minutes before security escorted reporters out of the boardroom.

New Loblaws ‘Cost-Saving’ Initiatives

To further support “financially conscious Canadians”, Loblaws has unveiled a variety of exciting new strategies to make shopping feel more affordable (without actually making it so):

🛒 The ‘Budget Aisle’ – A single shelf containing one bottle of No Name ketchup, priced “competitively” at $12.99.

🛒 The ‘Experience-Based Pricing Model’ – Prices will now fluctuate based on how hungry you are. The hungrier you look, the more expensive food gets.

🛒 New ‘Bring Your Own Groceries’ Policy – Customers are encouraged to bring their own food to the store so they can at least pretend to afford Loblaws prices.

🛒 A ‘Guilt-Free’ Checkout Lane – Now featuring a screen that plays a loop of Galen Weston saying “Sorry you’re poor, have you tried buying less?”

Public Reaction: ‘I Guess I’ll Just Eat Air?’

The reaction from everyday Canadians has been decidedly negative, except for one guy who owns shares in Loblaws and a yacht.

• “I just paid $9 for butter. BUTTER. I think Galen Weston personally hates me.” – Sarah, Toronto.
• “If I wanted to be scammed this hard, I’d go to a psychic and ask about my love life.” – Jason, Regina.
• “Last time I was at Loblaws, I had to take out a mortgage just to buy a block of cheese.” – Gord, Edmonton.
• “We should nationalize the grocery industry.” – Literally Everyone.

Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated (but definitely not unrelated) move, Loblaws has quietly reported record-breaking profits this quarter.

Government Response: Meaningless Statements and Shrugging

As always, the federal government has responded with extreme concern (but zero action).

“We are closely monitoring the situation,” said Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland, in the same robotic voice she uses for every crisis.

Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre took the opportunity to rant about ‘the gatekeepers’, while NDP leader Jagmeet Singh proposed a new tax on Galen Weston’s haircut.

To address the issue, the government has formed a new committee, which will study food prices for three years and then recommend absolutely nothing.

Final Thoughts: Capitalism Wins Again

With grocery prices skyrocketing and corporate profits reaching record highs, the only real solution for Canadians is to either win the lottery or start foraging for berries like it’s 1743.

Meanwhile, Galen Weston will continue to gaslight the country into believing this is just ‘the market at work’ while personally bathing in a tub filled with our overpriced grocery money.

Happy shopping, Canada.