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Loblaws Announces New “Empty Bag” for $4.99, Calls It a Premium Grocery Experience
Loblaws has announced the “Empty Bag” for $4.99, calling it a "premium grocery experience." The bag contains absolutely nothing but still costs as much as a meal. Canadians are outraged but will probably still buy it anyway. Read the full story here.
📝 By Lenny Loonie – Toronto, Ontario
TORONTO – In an exciting move for grocery stores but a devastating one for human dignity, Loblaws has proudly announced its latest innovation: the “Empty Bag” for $4.99.
Marketed as a “premium grocery experience”, this completely empty, brand-name plastic bag is being hailed by Loblaws executives as “a bold step into the future of food retail.”
“Consumers have been asking for more choice, more convenience, and, most importantly, more ways to give us their money for absolutely nothing,” said CEO Galen Weston Jr., adjusting his solid-gold tie. “With the Empty Bag™, we’re offering customers exactly that—an elevated shopping experience that lets them take home something without actually buying groceries.”
The announcement comes just weeks after Loblaws introduced its highly controversial $37 “artisan air” sandwich, proving that there is no limit to what they’ll charge for basic survival needs.
What Exactly Is the Empty Bag?
According to Loblaws, the $4.99 Empty Bag is:
🛍️ 100% empty (just like your fridge after one Loblaws shopping trip).
🛍️ Made from recycled corporate greed.
🛍️ Perfect for carrying the single apple you can afford after rent.
🛍️ Designed to remind you that Loblaws controls your entire food budget.
A spokesperson for the company also clarified the Empty Bag™ is NOT a reusable grocery bag, meaning you’ll still need to pay extra for a different bag if you actually buy anything.
When asked why a completely empty bag costs $4.99, the company explained:
“Because you’ll pay for it. We know you will. You always do.”
Public Reactions: Absolute Rage, But No Other Options
Canadians, already at their breaking point with grocery prices, were quick to express their rage and confusion:
🗣️ “Can I finance this bag, or do I need a second mortgage first?” – Sarah, 32, Regretting Her Life Choices
🗣️ “Honestly, $4.99 for an empty bag? That’s still cheaper than Loblaws lettuce.” – Greg, 44, Cynical but Not Wrong
🗣️ “If I flip the bag upside down, does it become a discount bin?” – Jeremy, 36, Financial Genius
Despite widespread public outrage, industry experts predict that Canadians will still end up buying the Empty Bag anyway—mostly because:
✔️ It’ll probably go on “sale” for $4.89. (Big savings!)
✔️ There are no real grocery alternatives. (Everywhere else is just as bad.)
✔️ Some influencer will unironically call it “luxury minimalism.”
✔️ At this point, what’s another five bucks?
Meanwhile, an online petition to boycott Loblaws has already hit 200,000 signatures, but unfortunately, there’s nowhere else to buy food, so it’s not really a boycott—just a scream into the void.
Galen Weston’s Official Statement: “You’re Welcome”
In response to backlash over yet another price-gouging scandal, Loblaws released an extremely smug corporate statement, which read in part:
“At Loblaws, we believe in pushing the boundaries of grocery innovation. The Empty Bag™ represents the future of food retail—an era where less is truly more, and customers are willing to invest in a premium experience.”
“We remain committed to offering Canadians the best selection of high-quality, questionably priced items, and we thank you for your continued loyalty.”
When pressed for further comment, Weston vanished into a boardroom filled with gold-plated avocados.
What’s Next for Loblaws?
Industry insiders say Loblaws is already testing future premium grocery experiences, including:
💰 The “Invisible Cart” – A $50 charge for the option of shopping.
💰 The “Loyalty Surcharge” – PC Optimum members must now pay a fee to keep their points.
💰 The “Bring Your Own Food” Program – Customers must supply their own groceries to enter the store.
💰 The “Luxury Air Aisle” – A new section of the store featuring literally nothing, priced at $29.99 per square foot.
Meanwhile, Costco has responded by doing absolutely nothing and still coming out looking like heroes.At press time, Loblaws announced that the price of the Empty Bag has already been increased to $5.49, citing “inflation.”
