Government Creates Department of Common Sense, Immediately Fails to Hire Anyone

By Karen Taxley – Ottawa, Ontario

OTTAWA – In an ambitious attempt to streamline bureaucracy, the federal government has announced the creation of a brand-new department: The Department of Common Sense. However, in a twist that surprised absolutely no one, the department has already failed to hire a single employee.

“We felt that government decision-making lacked basic logic, efficiency, and, frankly, any resemblance to reality,” said Public Service Minister Diane Lapointe. “So we thought, ‘Why not create an entire department dedicated to common sense?’”

Unfortunately, the hiring process for the Department of Common Sense has immediately collapsed under the weight of the government’s own lack of common sense.

Why Can’t They Fill the Positions?

Despite hundreds of thousands of Canadians possessing basic levels of common sense, government officials insist that the hiring process has been “unexpectedly complicated.”

📋 Step 1: Require applicants to fill out a 57-page application form. (Including a section asking them to explain, in 500 words, what “common sense” means.)
📋 Step 2: Reject applicants for “lacking government experience.” (Despite common sense being the literal job requirement.)
📋 Step 3: Hire an expensive consultant to figure out why no one is applying. (The consultant charges $200,000 and suggests “creating a focus group.”)
📋 Step 4: Hold a press conference announcing “progress” without actually hiring anyone.

As of today, zero Canadians have been hired, but the department has already spent $5 million on branding, office furniture, and a mandatory anti-paperclip-hoarding training course.

What Was the Department Supposed to Do?

The Department of Common Sense was meant to oversee and fix some of Canada’s most absurd bureaucratic failures, including:

🔴 Why it takes three months to renew a driver’s license but only two minutes to get a speeding ticket.
🔴 Why government websites crash whenever Canadians try to use them for literally anything.
🔴 Why Loblaws is allowed to charge $12 for a head of lettuce.
🔴 Why we still have a Governor General.
🔴 Why you need a government-issued permit to build a backyard shed, but billionaires can buy up entire neighborhoods without issue.

However, since no one has been hired, these problems remain as broken as ever.

Canadians React: ‘Sounds About Right’

The announcement was met with immediate skepticism, as Canadians quickly realized that a government department meant to fix inefficiency had, ironically, collapsed under inefficiency.

🗣️ “A department that actually makes logical decisions? Oh yeah, like they’d let THAT happen.” – Ryan, 39, Government Cynic
🗣️ “The first thing they’d do is shut themselves down to save taxpayers money. So yeah, makes sense they aren’t hiring.” – Linda, 42, Has Seen This Before
🗣️ “I tried to apply, but the website crashed. I assume that’s some kind of test?” – Greg, 31, IT Professional

Meanwhile, in what experts are calling “a cruel irony,” the only people willing to work for the government are the exact ones who shouldn’t be trusted with common sense.

“It’s almost like the government doesn’t actually WANT common sense in decision-making,” observed one political analyst. “Because if they did, half the existing departments would have to be shut down immediately.”

Next Steps for the Department (or Lack Thereof)

Since nobody has been hired, the government is now considering the following options:

🚨 Rebranding it as a “Task Force” and pretending this was the plan all along.
🚨 Hiring a committee to “explore solutions,” which will take three years and cost $45 million.
🚨 Quietly scrapping the whole thing and hoping nobody notices.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau defended the initiative, stating:

“We remain committed to ensuring the Department of Common Sense operates in a way that reflects the diverse, inclusive, and evolving needs of Canadians.”(Translation: “We have no idea what we’re doing.”)