Government Announces Bold Plan to Study the Housing Crisis for Another Decade

By Karen Taxley – Ottawa, Ontario

OTTAWA – In a bold display of decisive inaction, the federal government has announced a comprehensive, 10-year study to determine why nobody can afford a home.

“Housing affordability is a top priority for this government,” declared Housing Minister Ahmed Hussen, standing in front of a $2 million bungalow in Toronto that used to be a Taco Bell. “That’s why we’re committed to studying this problem for at least another decade before we even think about acting on it.”

The study, officially titled “Operation We Swear We’re Doing Something,” will invest billions of taxpayer dollars into roundtable discussions, consultant fees, and reports that will ultimately lead to more studies.

The announcement was met with mixed reactions from Canadians, mostly because they were too busy working three jobs just to afford rent.

What’s Included in the Study?

The government’s rigorous 10-year study will focus on the following groundbreaking research questions:

🏡 “Why is housing so expensive?” (Answer: Because it is.)
🏡 “Who is buying up all the homes?” (Answer: Billionaires and people who own 17 Airbnbs.)
🏡 “Could we actually fix this problem?” (Answer: Unclear, but let’s commission another study to find out.)

The Study Timeline

📅 Years 1-5: “Listening to Canadians” (aka Ignoring complaints while scheduling town halls no one attends.)
📅 Years 6-8: “Consulting Experts” (a.k.a. Paying consultants who already own investment properties to tell us ‘it’s complicated.’)
📅 Years 9-10: “Developing a Strategy” (which will only be unveiled if the party is re-elected.)

“We recognize that Canadians are struggling to afford homes,” said Hussen. “And we want them to know: help is coming… eventually.”

How Bad Is the Housing Crisis?

According to recent market trends, the average price of a home in Canada has now surpassed:

💰 A lifetime’s worth of wages.
💰 The GDP of a small country.
💰 The amount of money your grandparents bought their house for in 1974… multiplied by 10,000.

Meanwhile, the rental market is no better, with one-bedroom apartments in Toronto now requiring a full personality test, credit check, organ donation, and your firstborn child just to apply.

“Honestly, I might just move into a Costco,” admitted Kyle, 27, who is tired of paying $2,500/month for a shoebox.

Who’s Actually Buying Homes?

The government has promised to examine who is driving the housing market up. Current theories include:

🏠 Real estate investors buying their 12th property.
🏠 Developers turning entire neighborhoods into ‘luxury condos’ nobody asked for.
🏠 Boomers buying up vacation homes while Gen Z debates living in a van.
🏠 The ghost of Sir John A. Macdonald, just for fun.

“The market is competitive,” said one investor. “If you don’t own at least four houses by the time you’re 30, what are you even doing with your life?”

(Answer: Probably still renting.)

What Are Canadians Supposed to Do in the Meantime?

Since owning a home is no longer realistic for most Canadians, the government has offered several innovative alternatives:

🏕️ “Just Live Outside” Initiative – Coming soon: federal grants for high-quality cardboard boxes!
🚗 “Van Life for Beginners” Handbook – Learn how to shower at a gym and park legally overnight!
⛺ “Communal Tent Cities” – Experience the nostalgia of summer camp, but permanently!

Meanwhile, the Bank of Canada insists that interest rates will “eventually” stabilize, but by that time, the only people who will still be able to afford homes are already dead.

Opposition Parties Respond

While the Liberals defended their “bold long-term approach”, opposition parties offered their own solutions:

📣 Conservatives: “We would totally fix this, but we won’t tell you how.”
📣 NDP: “Tax the billionaires! Also, why are there 400 Airbnbs in one apartment building?”
📣 Bloc Québécois: “Move to Quebec. Our homes are still expensive, but at least they come with poutine.”

(Note: Bloc proposals may not apply outside of Montreal.)