đ¨ Disclaimer: The Maple Curtain is a satirical publicationânothing here is real, including our so-called journalists. Take it easy, eh? đ
đ HELP WANTED
Job Opening: Federal Apology Writer
We need someone to draft daily apologies on behalf of various government departments. If youâve ever said âSorryâ for something that wasnât your fault, youâre halfway qualified. French is a plus. So is crippling guilt.
Wanted: Tim Hortons Lineup Manager
You will be responsible for keeping the 6 a.m. coffee crowd in check, preventing accidental door-holding contests, and de-escalating double-double disputes. Must be fluent in sighing.
NOW HIRING: Driveway Salt Distribution Technician
Must enjoy repetitive motion, shoulder pain, and passive-aggressively throwing salt on your neighbourâs unshovelled side. Bonus if you own a snowblower but refuse to share. Pay: $0. Compensation: Righteousness.
đ FOR SALE
Used Couch â Only Sat on During Habs Games
Slight dent from playoff stress. Smells faintly of poutine and crushed dreams. Still more supportive than the Leafsâ defensive line. $80 OBO.
Snow Tires â Never Used, Only Carried Around in Trunk for Two Winters
Full set. Slightly confused. Priced to go. $200 or trade for working shovel with ergonomic handle.
Canadian Flag â Gently Waved
Perfect for cottage, protest, or international passive-aggression. Includes optional hockey stick attachment. Folds nicely into glovebox-sized patriotism.
đ¤ MEMORIALS / OBITUARIES
In Loving Memory of My Toque
Lost somewhere between the LCBO and my car. Worn every winter since 2009. May it rest in salty, slushy peace. If found, please return. Or wear it with pride. It was a good toque.
Farewell to My Snowblower (2014â2025)
It fought valiantly through eleven winters, two driveways, and one unfortunate pinecone incident. We salute your service. You may now rest. Preferably in a heated garage.
â¤ď¸ PERSONAL ADS
Divorced but Still Shares Streaming Passwords
M, 41, looking for someone who wonât judge me for yelling at the TV during curling. Must enjoy Kraft Dinner and occasional existential dread about housing prices. Bonus if you also hate the new Tim Hortons lids.
Single Prairie Woman Seeking Man Who Knows What a Block Heater Is
If youâve ever scraped frost from the inside of your windshield, weâll probably get along. Bring a sense of humour and a snow brush that doesnât snap in minus 30.
đź BUSINESS ADS
đ Timâs Psychic Predictions â âI Guarantee Itâll Snow Againâ
- Looking for weather predictions that are always right?
- Here at Timâs Newfoundland Weather Insights, I offer one simple 100% accurate forecast:
“More winter is coming, bây.” - No refunds.
đ Dougâs Discount Driveway Salt â “Youâll Need It”
- Guaranteed to last until your neighbour âborrowsâ it.
- SPECIAL: Buy 10 bags, get a free broken shovel you found behind the shed.
đ Maple Leaf Excuses Inc. â Post-Playoff Therapy
- We specialize in “Next year is our year” emotional coaching.
- Custom excuses available! Choose from:
- “The refs were against us.”
- “Itâs a rebuilding year.”
- “At least we made the playoffs.”
- Call now! Spots are limited (unlike our playoff heartbreak).
