CLASSIFIEDS – The Maple Curtain

🚨 Disclaimer: The Maple Curtain is a satirical publication—nothing here is real, including our so-called journalists. Take it easy, eh? 🍁

🚨 Disclaimer: The Maple Curtain is a satirical publication—nothing here is real, including our so-called journalists. Take it easy, eh? 🍁

🔎 HELP WANTED

📌 Government of Canada – Full-Time ‘Apology Writer’

Seeking a bilingual professional to draft daily apologies for national and provincial screw-ups.
Must have experience saying “we’re deeply concerned” in at least two official languages.
Salary: $200,000 + taxpayer-funded coffee budget.

📌 Hockey Canada – National Goalie Search

We are currently looking for ANYONE who can stop a puck.
Must be available every April when our “elite” teams inevitably choke.
Pay: Depends. Are you related to Wayne Gretzky?

📌 Loblaws – Executive Greed Consultant

Responsibilities: Inventing new ways to charge $12 for a single apple.
Must be comfortable lying directly to customers while nodding sympathetically.
Perks include one free bag of air disguised as chips every month.

🏠 FOR SALE

📌 Downtown Toronto Parking Spot – $249,999

Yes, it’s more expensive than a house in 1995, but hey, you’re downtown!
Fits one compact car, or two Leafs fans crying after Round 1.
No refunds if condos replace it next year.

📌 Canadian Tire Money – Best Offer

Approx. $37 in Canadian Tire Bucks accumulated since 1989.
Can be used to purchase one (1) screwdriver or 7,000 novelty keychains.
No lowballers—I know what I have.

📌 Gently Used Tim Hortons Roll Up the Rim Cups

Prizes may or may not have been redeemed already (not my problem).
Includes one free ‘Please Play Again’ collector’s edition.
Serious buyers only.

🖤 MEMORIALS / OBITUARIES

RIP: Affordable Rent in Vancouver

1980s–2024. Gone, but never forgotten.
Survived by: Condo developers, Airbnb landlords, and one-bedroom ‘luxury’ apartments the size of a closet.
In lieu of flowers, please Venmo $3,000 for first and last month’s rent.

RIP: The Ottawa Senators’ Playoff Hopes

Cause of death: Being the Ottawa Senators.
Survived by: Leafs fans, who are just happy someone else is suffering too.
Memorial service to be held at The Bar Where We All Pretend We Care About the CFL.

❤️ PERSONAL ADS

📌 Single Prairie Man Seeking ‘No Nonsense’ Woman

About me: Owns three snowmobiles, works a job that “the city boys couldn’t handle”, and believes in fixing things with duct tape.
Looking for: A woman who can gut a fish, stack firewood, and tell the weather just by sniffing the air.
Bonus points if you: Can drive standard, drink black coffee, and don’t mind my truck being parked in the living room.

📌 Quebecois Romantic Seeks English-Speaking ‘Compromise’

Bonjour! Je suis un homme très passionné about culture, poutine, et yelling about hockey.
Ideal partner: Someone who respects French but will also translate English memes for me.
Must love: Céline Dion, la neige, and passive-aggressively correcting your pronunciation of ‘poutine’.

💼 BUSINESS ADS

📌 Tim’s Psychic Predictions – ‘I Guarantee It’ll Snow Again’

Looking for weather predictions that are always right?
Here at Tim’s Newfoundland Weather Insights, I offer one simple 100% accurate forecast:
“More winter is coming, b’y.”
No refunds.

📌 Doug’s Discount Driveway Salt – “You’ll Need It”

Guaranteed to last until your neighbour ‘borrows’ it.
SPECIAL: Buy 10 bags, get a free broken shovel you found behind the shed.

📌 Maple Leaf Excuses Inc. – Post-Playoff Therapy

We specialize in “Next year is our year” emotional coaching.
Custom excuses available! Choose from:
- “The refs were against us.”
- “It’s a rebuilding year.”
- “At least we made the playoffs.”
Call now! Spots are limited (unlike our playoff heartbreak).