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Canadians Need to STOP Holding the Door Open from 30 Feet Away
Canadians are taking politeness too far by holding doors open from ridiculous distances. If someone is 30 feet away, LET IT CLOSE. We can fix this.
By Linda Furiously – Saint John, New Brunswick
CANADA – It’s time we address one of this country’s most passive-aggressive social crises: the unnecessary long-distance door hold.
Every Canadian has experienced this scenario: You’re walking toward a building, minding your own business, when suddenly—disaster strikes.
Up ahead, a polite Canadian holds the door open for you… from an absolutely unreasonable distance.
Now, instead of casually walking at your normal pace, you are forced into an awkward speed-walk/jog to close the gap, feeling immense social pressure to hurry the hell up.
By the time you reach the door, you’re slightly out of breath, mumbling an awkward “thanks” while secretly resenting the entire situation.
It’s time to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
The ‘Politeness Perimeter’: How Close Is Too Close?
To help solve this national crisis, scientists (okay, mostly frustrated Canadians) have developed a Door-Holding Perimeter System™:
🚪 0-5 feet away: ✅ Acceptable hold. (The natural and expected range.)
🚪 6-10 feet away: 🤔 Borderline. (Depends on walking speed. Use caution.)
🚪 11-20 feet away: 😬 Questionable. (Now you’re forcing someone to jog.)
🚪 21-30 feet away: 🚨 UNNECESSARY. (Congratulations, you’ve ruined someone’s day.)
🚪 30+ feet away: ❌ SOCIAL CRIME. (This isn’t chivalry. This is psychological warfare.)
Holding the door open from across a literal parking lot isn’t helpful—it’s a hostage situation.
Why Do Canadians Do This?
Experts have narrowed it down to three key psychological factors:
1️⃣ Fear of Being “The Rude One”
- The Canadian Code of Politeness forbids us from being perceived as impolite.
- We’d rather hold a door for 15 minutes than risk someone thinking we’re a jerk.
2️⃣ The ‘It’s Too Late to Bail’ Effect
- Many door-holders panic when they realize they opened the door too soon.
- Instead of letting go and walking inside like a normal person, they commit to the bit and force a stranger to run.
3️⃣ We Just Enjoy Watching People Speed-Walk in Panic
- Some people get a twisted sense of satisfaction from watching others awkwardly jog toward the door.
- If this is you, seek help.
The Unspoken Burden of the “Receiver”
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a long-distance door hold, you know the pressure is unbearable.
💨 You now have to sprint to “earn” the door hold. (If you take your time, you look ungrateful.)
😰 You feel the intense eye contact of the door-holder, silently judging your walking speed.
🤷 You must perform the “apology wave” while awkwardly muttering, “Sorry! Haha, thanks!”
It’s an entirely unnecessary stress event that could have been avoided if the door-holder just let the door close.
Solutions to the Door-Holding Epidemic
To prevent future incidents, Canadians are urged to follow these simple guidelines:
✔️ RULE #1: If they’re more than 10 feet away, LET IT CLOSE.
✔️ RULE #2: If you misjudge the distance, own it. WALK INSIDE.
✔️ RULE #3: If you force someone to run, you now owe them financial compensation.
We can fix this, Canada. But it requires all of us working together (from a reasonable distance).
Public Reactions: Canada Speaks Out
Since this issue was brought to national attention, Canadians have been divided on whether extreme politeness is a virtue or a menace.
🗣️ “I just run full-speed at the door to get it over with.” – Ryan, 34, Professional Door-Sprint Enthusiast
🗣️ “If someone holds the door for me from more than 20 feet away, I turn around and walk the other way.” – Emily, 28, Lives in Fear of Social Interactions
🗣️ “The worst is when someone holds the door and I have to do that weird half-jog.” – Greg, 41, Currently Speed-Walking Toward a Door Somewhere
Meanwhile, one unnamed Tim Hortons employee has suggested that Canada introduce a Door-Holding License, requiring citizens to pass a test before being allowed to participate.
How to Politely Ignore a Door-Holder From Too Far Away
If you find yourself trapped in a long-distance door-holding standoff, experts suggest the following strategies:
👀 “The Sudden Distraction” – Pretend you just got a text and stop walking entirely.
🔄 “The Fake Detour” – Change direction like you meant to do that.
📅 “The Commitment to the Bit” – Turn around, go home, and pretend you never intended to enter that building in the first place.
In extreme cases, pretending to tie your shoe may also work, though timing is critical.
