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Canadian Banks Charge $5 Fee to Check Why You Have No Money
Canadian banks have introduced a new $5 fee to check why your account is empty—proving once again that being broke in Canada comes with a surcharge.
📝 By Lenny Loonie – Toronto, Ontario
CANADA – In a move that has been described as “audacious,” “peak capitalism,” and “actually impressive in its cruelty,” Canada’s major banks have introduced a brand-new $5 fee—for the privilege of checking why you’re broke.
That’s right: Canadians logging into their online banking to investigate why their chequing account is emptier than a Tim Hortons napkin dispenser at 8:01 AM are now met with a friendly pop-up:
“Need help understanding your low balance? A $5 analysis fee will be applied.”
The new fee, officially named the “Personal Liquidity Insight Charge”, is being rolled out across all major banks, from RBC to TD to “whichever one you forgot you had a student account with.”
“It’s a premium financial insight tool,” said banking spokesperson Trevor Kingsley from inside a platinum boardroom made entirely of mahogany and indifference. “For just $5, we’ll explain why you have no money—which, spoiler alert, is mostly because of us.”
What Exactly Are You Paying For?
The $5 fee grants you access to a detailed 2-sentence summary of your financial despair:
🧾 “You had money. Then you spent it. On dumb stuff. Mostly coffee and rent.”
🧾 “We also took $19.95 for a ‘monthly maintenance fee’ to maintain… your lack of money.”
If you’d like this delivered with a more soothing tone, you can upgrade to the Premium Personal Insight Bundle™ for $12.99, which includes:
✔️ A PDF telling you it’s not your fault
✔️ A pie chart showing you’re 83% anxiety
✔️ One (1) digital pat on the back
Public Response: A Nation of Rage-Tired Canadians
The backlash has been swift and extremely Canadian.
🗣️ “I can’t afford a financial summary when I can’t afford lunch,” said Kendra from Thunder Bay, currently down to her last $4.73 and a Scene card.
🗣️ “I was already paying $2 to use my own bank’s ATM. What’s another $5 to feel bad?” shrugged Greg from Saskatoon.
🗣️ “At this point I just Venmo my dog and ask him to hold my savings.” – A millennial with four side hustles and no actual income
A protest was briefly organized outside a downtown Toronto branch, where participants angrily held signs like “STOP ROBBING ME FOR BEING ROBBED” and chanted, “How do you sleep at night? (On interest!)”
The protest ended when parking rates jumped to $18/hour, and everyone quietly left to avoid further charges.
Banks Explain: “We’re Innovating Suffering”
In an official press release, the banks insisted this is part of a broader effort to “redefine financial literacy.”
“Canadians deserve to know why they’re struggling. For a fee. That’s how access works.”
Other upcoming initiatives in the pipeline include:
💳 The “Why Was I Charged?” Fee™ – $3 to explain other fees
📈 The “Overdraft Reflection Charge”™ – $7 for the opportunity to think about your overdraft
📬 A $1.99 Mail Handling Fee – for opening your own eStatement
🚪 A $10 Exit Fee™ – for closing your account, your browser, or the building
Experts Say: Just Light Your Wallet on Fire
Financial experts warn this could be the beginning of an even more exploitative era, where basic access to your own poverty is now behind a paywall.
“Imagine being charged to check why you’re broke,” said economist Sarah Leclair. “It’s like paying someone to punch you and then asking why your face hurts.”Consumer watchdogs have begun calling for reform, but their reports were returned for insufficient postage.
