🚨 Disclaimer: The Maple Curtain is a satirical publication—nothing here is real, including our so-called journalists. Take it easy, eh? 🍁

“Buy Low, Sell Never” Strategy Gains Popularity Among Broke Millennials

The Buy Low, Sell Never strategy is taking over as millennials cling to their investments, unable to sell in an economy where cashing out just means losing money faster. Experts call it a financial strategy. Millennials call it survival.

📝 By Lenny Loonie – Toronto, Ontario


TORONTO – As financial markets fluctuate and the cost of living continues to skyrocket, a growing number of Canadian millennials have embraced a bold new investment strategy known as “Buy Low, Sell Never.”

The approach is simple: buy stocks, cryptocurrency, or real estate (if you can afford it), then hold onto them indefinitely because you’ll never actually be able to afford to cash out.

“I got into investing thinking I’d eventually sell for a profit,” said Josh McAllister, a 32-year-old marketing manager who has been holding onto the same six shares of Shopify since 2020. “Now, I just check my portfolio for the adrenaline rush of seeing how much money I hypothetically have but will never actually touch.”

Experts say this strategy has grown in popularity as millennials face financial realities that make “taking profits” an impossible concept.


How Did We Get Here?

Financial analysts point to several key factors behind the rise of Buy Low, Sell Never, including:

📉 Housing prices making homeownership a pipe dream. Even if you sold all your stocks, you’d still only be able to afford half a condo closet.
📉 Inflation ensuring any gains are immediately erased by grocery bills. Selling at a profit just means spending more on lettuce.
📉 The “fake wealth” effect. Your portfolio says you have money, but your bank account says “nice try.”
📉 The universal fear of selling too soon. Why cash out today when you can “ride it out” for another decade?

“Millennials have perfected the art of investing with no intention of ever selling,” said financial analyst Rachel Bennett. “They just hold onto assets forever, hoping they’ll magically turn into generational wealth at some undefined point in the future.”


Millennials React: ‘I Guess I’m Just a Collector Now’

Those who have adopted the Buy Low, Sell Never strategy say it has provided them with a new way to view investing—less as a way to make money and more as an elaborate game of “pretend wealth.”

🗣️ “I look at my stocks and think, ‘Wow, I’m rich!’ Then I check my rent bill and think, ‘Wow, I’m not.’” – Greg, 35, Living Paycheque to Paycheque Despite His “Strong Portfolio”
🗣️ “I own crypto that could make me a millionaire. Or it could be worth nothing. Either way, I can’t sell, so who cares?” – Lisa, 29, Diamond Hands Enthusiast
🗣️ “If I sell, I’ll regret it. If I don’t sell, I’ll also regret it. So I just hold and stare into the abyss.” – Dave, 40, Longtime Victim of the Market

Meanwhile, some millennials have taken it even further, choosing to see investing as a lifelong commitment rather than a wealth-building tool.

“I don’t even check my stocks anymore,” said one investor. “I’ve accepted that they belong to the next generation now. Maybe my great-grandkids can cash out.”


What Are the Risks? (Or Does It Even Matter?)

While financial experts warn that holding onto investments forever isn’t necessarily the best strategy, millennials argue that the alternative is even worse.

⚠️ Selling means paying taxes. And let’s be honest, that’s not happening.
⚠️ Cashing out means admitting defeat. Nobody wants to be the person who sells right before a stock skyrockets.
⚠️ There’s nowhere to reinvest anyway. What’s the point of selling if housing is unaffordable and savings accounts pay less than inflation?

Economists remain divided on whether Buy Low, Sell Never is a brilliant adaptation to modern financial struggles or just a sign of complete economic hopelessness.

“The problem isn’t millennials refusing to sell,” said economist Daniel Raines. “The problem is that they know if they sell, they’ll have nothing left. So really, this is just survival.”


What’s Next for the ‘Buy Low, Sell Never’ Generation?

As millennials continue to navigate an economy stacked against them, experts predict:

✔️ More people investing just for fun, rather than actual profit.
✔️ The continued rise of “holding forever” as a coping mechanism.
✔️ More Gen Z investors following suit, assuming the economy will never improve.
✔️ A future where boomers wonder why their kids never sold their stocks, despite never giving them a reason to.

At press time, millennials across Canada were still holding onto their investments, convinced that someday, somehow, it will all be worth it.Until then, they continue logging into their accounts, staring at their hypothetical wealth, and asking themselves, “But what if it goes up just a little more?”

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *