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Poutine Futures Up 400% After Rumour of Nationwide Curds Shortage
A rumour of a cheese curd shortage has sent poutine futures up 400%. Canadians are panicking, food trucks are hoarding curds, and black market gravy deals are happening across the country.
📝 By Lenny Loonie – Toronto, Ontario
CANADA – Panic has gripped the national economy this week after rumours of an impending cheese curd shortage sent poutine futures skyrocketing over 400%, shaking the very foundation of Canada’s gravy-covered soul.
The Toronto Cheese Exchange (TChEx) was thrown into full curd-mania Monday morning when an unverified post on Reddit claimed “Quebec curd yields are down and Alberta’s curds are being hoarded by food trucks.” Within minutes, trading desks from Montreal to Moose Jaw were flooded with activity as panicked investors rushed to buy up “golden curds” before the market hardened.
“This is worse than the bagged milk bubble of 2019,” said Sandra Beauchamp, dairy analyst and certified snack economist. “Curds are now trading at $16.75 a lump, and that’s just the base grade. Premium squeakers are being auctioned off behind convenience stores.”
What Are Poutine Futures—and Why Is This So Hilarious?
For the uninitiated, poutine futures are speculative contracts that allow investors to bet on the future price of the holy trinity: fries, gravy, and cheese curds.
Normally a niche market traded only by very bored food economists, the futures exploded this week as word of a curd shortage spread faster than ketchup on a fresh paper plate.
📈 Fries are holding steady, gravy is up 7%, but curds have gone full GameStop.
“We’ve had to install a volatility halt on curd derivatives,” said a spokesperson for the Toronto Dairy Index. “Which is a sentence I never thought I’d say out loud.”
What Caused the Panic? (Besides the Internet)
While the Reddit rumour has yet to be confirmed, several undeniable factors are fuelling the cheese chaos:
🧀 Warmer-than-usual winters in Quebec delayed the traditional curd harvest.
🧀 A recent TikTok trend featuring “DIY poutine facials” caused a spike in household demand.
🧀 Ontario’s largest dairy co-op accidentally exported 14 tons of curds to Wisconsin.
🧀 New federal guidelines now require all Grade A curds to squeak audibly for over 5 seconds, causing mass disqualification.
Government officials have promised to investigate, with Agriculture Canada issuing a statement that simply read:
“We are aware of the situation. We are very concerned. We are also very hungry.”
Nationwide Reactions: Curdtastrophe™ Unfolds
🗣️ “I went to the store and the curd shelf was empty. Just… empty. I almost cried.” – Melinda, 38, Sudbury
🗣️ “A guy at the farmers’ market tried to trade curds for gas. I didn’t say no.” – Ravi, 42, Winnipeg
🗣️ “I’ve frozen three bags of curds in my garage. I will protect them with my life.” – Someone on Kijiji
Meanwhile, black market poutine dens have popped up in alleyways behind chip trucks, offering “the good squeaky stuff” in brown paper bags.
One Montreal man was caught trying to smuggle curds across provincial lines, disguised as bath bombs.
Economic Experts Sound Alarm Bells—And Bells Are Squeaky
Financial experts warn that a full-on Curd Recession™ may be coming, potentially triggering:
💸 A 3.7% dip in national productivity as workers abandon offices to search for curds
💸 A run on gravy stockpiles as panic spreads
💸 A mass existential crisis in Quebec, where 47% of meals begin with the word “poutine”
Some economists, however, see opportunity.
“If this continues, we could see the rise of the ‘PoutCoin’—a gravy-backed cryptocurrency,” said economist Dr. Tina Kulak. “It’s stupid, but it might work.”
The Government’s Plan (Sort Of)
In response, Ottawa has convened an Emergency Cheese Supply Committee made up of:
🥄 Two dairy farmers
🥄 A Tim Hortons regional manager
🥄 Heritage Minister Pascale Quenneville, who once had a food truck
🥄 A grandmother from Trois-Rivières who makes her own curds and “doesn’t trust digital cheese”
Initial proposals include:
- Nationalizing cheese curd production
- Strategic poutine reserves under Parliament Hill
- A temporary switch to feta (rejected instantly and violently)
Will This Impact Festival Season?
Yes. Drastically.
🎪 Poutine festivals may be postponed, cancelled, or rebranded as “Gravy Appreciation Events.”
🎪 The annual “Curds & Culture” arts fair in Gatineau has issued a desperate call for donations (of curds).
🎪 Food trucks are preparing to offer “Deconstructed Poutine” (translation: fries with disappointment).At press time, restaurants across the country were experimenting with cheese-string-based emergency poutines, to lukewarm applause and genuine concern.
