Canada to Replace Parliament Hill with Giant Ikea — “More Efficient, Plus Meatballs”

📝 By Karen Taxley – Ottawa, Ontario

OTTAWA – In a move that has stunned constitutional scholars and thrilled budget-conscious furniture lovers, the federal government has officially announced plans to demolish Parliament Hill and replace it with a full-scale Ikea.

Described as a “bold step toward practical governance,” the transition is set to begin this fall, with demolition of Centre Block and construction of Ikea Hill expected to take place over the next 18 months. The goal, according to officials, is to make government “more navigable, more affordable, and 300% better at feeding people.”

“Parliament isn’t working,” said Treasury Board spokesperson Sharon Lavigne. “It’s confusing, expensive, and people are constantly getting lost—both literally and ideologically. Ikea already solves all of those problems… and it has cinnamon buns.”

From Peace Tower to Pax Wardrobe: The Transition Plan

The new structure will reportedly retain some historic flourishes, such as a repurposed Peace Tower made entirely out of MDF, but most of the new facility will adopt the standard Ikea store layout.

Under the new government layout:

🛒 MPs will enter through the showroom, where they’ll browse ready-made policy prototypes like Fjärtskår: A Streamlined Federal Budget or Blörk: A Modular Health Plan.

🗳️ Committees will be held in open-concept display rooms, each equipped with soft lighting, minimalist couches, and the haunting silence of passive-aggressive compromise.

🔧 New legislation will arrive flat-packed, complete with illustrated instructions, an Allen key, and a bilingual assembly guide that makes no grammatical sense in either language.

🍴 Question Period will be catered by the Ikea cafeteria, ensuring heated debates are occasionally interrupted by “Meatball Moments,” where MPs are forced to eat in silence for two minutes to cool down.

Government Justifies the Move

According to leaked cabinet documents, the idea for Ikea Hill was first proposed in a late-night strategy session when a junior policy analyst jokingly suggested that Canada would be better governed by furniture instructions than current parliamentary procedure.

The idea gained traction after a trial simulation revealed that most Canadians understood Ikea’s layout far better than the legislative process.

“At least with Ikea, you know you’ll leave with something—maybe a lamp, maybe emotional trauma, but something,” said Lavigne. “Canadians can’t say the same about Parliament.”

Opposition Parties React (Badly)

Opposition MPs have raised serious concerns, mostly surrounding navigation, transparency, and hallway traffic flow.

“We’re worried about the integrity of democracy when it’s rerouted through the Lighting Section and a bin of $3 lint rollers,” said Conservative MP Blake Hargrove. “Also, how are we supposed to filibuster when we have to follow the arrows on the floor?”

NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh expressed concern that backbenchers would be relegated to the “As-Is” section, while the Bloc Québécois walked out of a press conference entirely, muttering about “Swedish colonialism.”

Green Party MPs, however, were cautiously optimistic, saying the new structure is “more sustainable” and that the reusable bag policy aligns with their values.

Public Reaction: Cautiously Hilarious

The general public has responded to the announcement with equal parts confusion and enthusiasm.

🗣️ “If it means they’ll finally fix my EI claim, I don’t care if it’s in aisle 23 beside the BILLY bookcases,” said one Ottawa resident.
🗣️ “Do I still have to pay taxes if I help assemble the government?” asked another, optimistically.

Social media reactions ranged from memes of MPs arguing over Allen key usage, to calls for renaming the Senate to “Hemnes.”

What Comes Next?

The current plan includes:

🔨 Deconstructing the House of Commons brick by brick, then reassembling a symbolic version of it near the Returns counter.
🧭 A federal app update, allowing citizens to navigate the new government by selecting options like “Healthcare,” “Transit,” or “How Did I Get Here?”
🍽️ All bills must now be passed by a majority vote and followed by a round of Swedish meatballs and lingonberry soda.
🎉 Lobbying efforts limited to people who can pronounce “Äppelgrönsmörg.”

The federal budget for the new facility is projected to be $142 million, though government insiders suggest it may come in at $89.99 if citizens agree to assemble it themselves.

A pre-assembly “beta model” will be tested in Regina, where residents are already used to doing everything themselves anyway.

Critics Sound the Alarm, Government Asks for Patience

Critics warn that this move could “flatten democracy,” while proponents argue that it already was flat—just without clear instructions.

“Yes, it will be an adjustment,” said one Liberal insider. “But if people can assemble a Grönlid sectional without crying, they can handle democracy 2.0.”

As for ceremonial functions, such as royal visits and throne speeches, a repurposed futon named Regälhölm will serve as the new seat of governance, with Queen Camilla expected to bless it during a ribbon-cutting in spring 2026.At press time, a misprint in the assembly guide had Parliament mistakenly installing itself upside down. A bipartisan team is working on fixing it, with limited success