Grocery CEOs Swear They ‘Totally Understand’ Struggles While Drinking $9 Coffees

By Lenny Loonie – Calgary, Alberta

TORONTO – The country’s top grocery store executives held a press conference this week to reassure Canadians that they “totally understand” the struggles of rising food prices—while casually sipping oat milk lattes that cost more than a full meal.

“We get it. Times are tough,” said Galen Weston Jr., CEO of Loblaws, while adjusting his custom-tailored suit that cost more than a year’s worth of groceries. “That’s why we’re working hard to offer Canadians more affordable options—like our new $7.99 pack of six grapes.”

The press conference, held in a lavish corporate boardroom, featured a gourmet catering spread that included:
🥑 $16 avocado toast (hand-smashed by an executive assistant)
☕ Custom espresso flights (featuring imported beans from the CEO’s private estate)
🧀 A luxury cheese board (containing exactly zero No Name products)

Despite their words of deep understanding, Canadians remained skeptical, pointing out that grocery chains reported record profits last quarter while consumers struggle to afford butter.

Grocery Chains Announce “Solutions” to Rising Prices

To combat public backlash, grocery chains have announced several exciting new “affordability” initiatives:

🛒 The ‘Budget Aisle’ – A new section in stores featuring one dented can of soup for $4.99. (No discounts, but it’s placed near a sign that says “We Care.”)

🛒 Shrinkflation ‘Awareness Program’ – A new in-store campaign where staff explain why your bag of chips now contains fewer chips—but costs more. (A colorful infographic will blame ‘supply chain issues.’)

🛒 ‘Price Lock’ Promotions – A marketing strategy that gives the illusion of savings while still charging $10 for a block of cheese.

🛒 CEO ‘Sympathy Fund’ – For every grocery purchase, $0.01 will be donated toward “executive morale.”

Despite these groundbreaking measures, prices on essential goods like eggs, milk, and bread remain at historic highs, prompting some Canadians to wonder if their best option is just to start growing their own food.

Public Reaction: “How Are We Supposed to Eat?”

Canadians were not convinced by the CEOs’ promises of affordability.

🗣️ “I bought three things, and it came to $47. What the hell?” – Michelle, 33, Who Just Wanted Eggs
🗣️ “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but a single head of lettuce now costs more than my car payment.” – Greg, 41, Food Budgeting Expert
🗣️ “Maybe if I stop eating lunch, I can afford cheese again.” – Emily, 28, Who Has Given Up

In response to these concerns, executives suggested that consumers “adjust their expectations” and consider switching to “affordable alternatives” like:
🔹 Store-brand products that taste like cardboard
🔹 Canned fish from the 1990s
🔹 “Grocery sharing” with neighbors (a.k.a. begging)

Meanwhile, the Bank of Canada insists that inflation is “stabilizing,” despite the fact that a single banana now costs more than a litre of gas.

What’s Next for Grocery Prices?

Experts predict that food prices will continue to rise indefinitely, unless one of the following happens:

📉 Grocery executives develop a conscience. (Highly unlikely.)
📉 Canadians go full ‘back-to-the-land’ mode and start farming in their backyards. (Already happening.)
📉 A billionaire gets stuck in a No Frills and experiences real grocery shopping for the first time. (Would love to see it.)

Until then, Loblaws has announced a limited-time discount:

🛒 For one week only, customers can get 10% off groceries—if they spend over $500. (Generous!)