Newfoundland Weatherman Quits, Says He’s “Tired of Lying”

📝 By Wade Frost – St. John’s, Newfoundland

ST. JOHN’S – A veteran Newfoundland weatherman has officially resigned after 25 years on the job, citing exhaustion, moral conflict, and an inability to continue “making things up” about the province’s completely unpredictable weather.

“I just can’t do it anymore,” said former meteorologist Keith O’Driscoll, who dramatically removed his clip-on microphone and walked off the set of NTV’s evening news broadcast. “How am I supposed to predict something that even God seems to be guessing at?”

Newfoundlanders were shocked but not surprised by the announcement, given that weather forecasts in the province have never been even remotely accurate.

“Keith was the best liar we had,” said longtime viewer Maureen Callahan. “If even he’s given up, what hope do the rest of us have?”

“It’s Completely Impossible,” Weatherman Admits

O’Driscoll, who has spent the last two decades wildly guessing at Newfoundland’s climate, says he reached his breaking point after issuing a sunny forecast, only for an unexpected blizzard to appear out of nowhere.

“The models said sunshine, the charts said sunshine, the radar said sunshine,” he said, rubbing his temples. “Then BOOM—three feet of snow, out of nowhere. How am I supposed to work under these conditions?”

Over his career, O’Driscoll has routinely battled Newfoundland’s absurd and chaotic weather patterns, including:

🌪️ Snowstorms in May. (“One time, I told people to put away their snow blowers. I was wrong. I was so wrong.”)
🌧️ Rain, sleet, and sunshine all in the same hour. (“I just started telling people to bring a jacket, an umbrella, and sunscreen at all times.”)
💨 Winds so strong they’ve “cancelled Tuesday.” (“That actually happened once. They just said, ‘Nope, not today.’”)

At one point, O’Driscoll even resorted to making up random forecasts, assuming no one would notice.

“I once said it was going to be ‘mild and breezy with a chance of fog.’ That’s literally every day in Newfoundland. Nobody questioned it.”

What Happens Now?

O’Driscoll’s resignation has left Newfoundland without a lead weatherman, as no other meteorologist is willing to take the job.

📺 CTV and CBC have both declined to send replacements.
📺 Environment Canada has considered “just letting Newfoundlanders figure it out.”
📺 The leading candidate is a fisherman who just sniffs the air and says, “Gonna be rough out there.”

The Newfoundland government has proposed using a Magic 8-Ball to determine future forecasts, as this would increase accuracy by at least 30%.

Newfoundlanders React

The response from locals has been overwhelmingly supportive, with many saying they never trusted forecasts in the first place.

🗣️ “He made it 25 years? That’s a world record for a Newfoundland weatherman.” – Todd, 48, Owns Seven Different Jackets for One Day
🗣️ “We all knew he was lying. We just appreciated the effort.” – Cathy, 55, Keeps Shorts and a Parka in Her Car Year-Round
🗣️ “At this point, I just stick my head outside and make my own predictions.” – Dave, 62, Has Been Through It All

In a farewell message, O’Driscoll offered his final piece of weather advice to Newfoundlanders:

“Just assume it’ll be cold, windy, and unpredictable. Plan for snow, but don’t be surprised if it’s 15 degrees. Always have a raincoat nearby. And for the love of God, never put away your winter tires.”At press time, Newfoundland was experiencing sun, rain, hail, and fog simultaneously, while O’Driscoll was seen boarding a plane to a province with “normal” weather.