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Toronto Maple Leafs Announce ‘Early Exit’ Ticket Packages to Manage Fan Expectations
The Leafs have launched the ‘Early Exit’ Ticket Package™ to help fans prepare for another playoff heartbreak. Includes discounts on therapy, commemorative t-shirts, and a personalized ‘We’ll Get ‘Em Next Year’ message from Mitch Marner.
By Randy Slapchuk – Flin Flon, Manitoba
TORONTO – In an effort to soften the annual heartbreak of its fans, the Toronto Maple Leafs have unveiled a new ‘Early Exit’ Ticket Package™, which allows supporters to emotionally detach before the playoffs even begin.
“We know what our fans go through every year,” said Leafs GM Brad Treliving. “We understand the pain, the hope, the devastation. So why not streamline the process and get the disappointment out of the way early?”
According to the team, the Early Exit Ticket Package is designed to help Leafs fans manage expectations while still enjoying the ride (however short it may be).
What’s Included in the Early Exit Ticket Package?
1️⃣ ‘At Least We Tried’ Commemorative T-Shirt
✔️ Pre-printed in October to avoid the last-minute rush when they’re eliminated in Round 1.
✔️ Available in S, M, L, and ‘We’ll Get ‘Em Next Year XXL.’
2️⃣ Post-Game Therapy Discount
✔️ 15% off your first three therapy sessions (for processing another playoff collapse).
✔️ Upgrade to the Executive Plan for an emergency hotline directly to a sports psychologist.
3️⃣ ‘We’ll Get ‘Em Next Year’ Video Message from Mitch Marner
✔️ Pre-recorded for convenience.
✔️ Personalized name insert (“Hey [Name], I know this wasn’t our year, but we’re building something special!”).
✔️ Free upgrade to Auston Matthews’ “Still Proud of the Boys” Autoplay Loop™ on elimination night.
4️⃣ Discounted Pints at Real Sports Bar After Game 4
✔️ 50% off beers (only available while still in the playoffs).
✔️ Complimentary ‘Game 7 Never Happened’ coasters for added therapy.
5️⃣ ‘Hockey Widow/Widower’ Compensation Package
✔️ Includes a $10 Starbucks gift card for significant others who lost their partners to yet another crushing Leafs playoff run.
✔️ Refundable only if the Leafs make the Conference Finals (so… basically non-refundable).
Fans React to the Announcement
🏒 Excitement, Skepticism, and Acceptance
Leafs fans had mixed reactions to the new package:
🗣️ “This is the most self-aware thing the franchise has ever done. I respect it.” – Steve, 39, Season Ticket Holder (since the Sundin years, still suffering).
🗣️ “Wait… this isn’t a joke?” – Jenna, 28, Casual Fan (who only tunes in when they win).
🗣️ “Look, I’m getting the package. I already know what’s coming.” – Tony, 54, Leafs Lifer (currently crying into his St. Pat’s jersey).
Meanwhile, Montreal Canadiens fans have reportedly been celebrating the announcement, pretending their own team is doing any better.
Exclusive VIP Upgrades Available!
For true Leafs believers, the organization is offering VIP-tier packages that include:
🥶 The “Blue & White Suffering” Plan – One (1) automatic Leafs jersey discount when they inevitably trade away your favorite player.
🎟️ The “Same Old Song” Subscription – Exclusive first access to playoff disappointment year after year.
🚨 The ‘Refs Screwed Us’ Expansion Pack – Personalized video explaining how, yes, the officiating was bad, but the team still blew it.
Management Stands by the Decision
Despite some backlash, Leafs executives stand by the program, arguing that it provides a healthy way for fans to cope with reality.
“We’re all about transparency,” said a team spokesperson. “We just want our fans to be prepared.”
When asked whether this package might suggest a lack of confidence in the team’s ability to win, Treliving nervously took a long sip from his water bottle and mumbled something about “taking it one game at a time.”
