New Canadian Netflix Law Requires 50% of All Content to Feature Gordon Pinsent or a Moose

By Juno Moose – Montreal, Quebec

MONTREAL – Mesdames et messieurs, it is finally happening: Netflix is going FULL CANUCK.

After years of Canadian viewers being forced to sift through American garbage (how many crime shows does one country need?), the government has passed a groundbreaking new law requiring 50% of all Netflix content to feature either legendary actor Gordon Pinsent or a moose.

“It’s about cultural identity,” Heritage Minister Pascale St-Onge explained. “For too long, Canada has been depicted in the background of Hollywood movies as ‘vaguely North American wilderness.’ No longer! Now, if you’re watching Netflix in Canada, you’re going to see CANADA.”

What This Means for Your Netflix Queue

Under the new regulations, all Netflix Canada subscribers can expect:
✅ More moose. (At least one per scene. Even in rom-coms.)
✅ Mandatory Tragically Hip soundtracks for all major releases.
✅ One Heritage Minute intermission per hour of streaming.
✅ French subtitles on everything, even if there’s no dialogue.

And yes, a lot more Gordon Pinsent.

Who is Gordon Pinsent, you ask? Shame on you.

(For those who don’t know, Gordon Pinsent is Canada’s unofficial grandfather and a national treasure. If you don’t love him, you are legally required to leave the country.)

Upcoming Netflix Canada Originals Under the New Law

Netflix is already scrambling to comply with the ruling, announcing a slate of original Canadian content that meets the new requirements:

🎬 Moose Murders: A Northern Noir Thriller
(Think Fargo, but with more antlers and passive-aggressive apologies.)

🎬 Anne of Green Gables: Dark Origins
(Ever wondered what would happen if Anne Shirley turned into a vigilante? Neither did we, but here we are.)

🎬 The Tragically Hip Cinematic Universe
(Every major Canadian actor plays a different member of The Hip. Ryan Reynolds is already fighting to be Gord Downie.)

🎬 Gordon Pinsent Reads the News
(Just Gordon Pinsent, sitting in a rocking chair, reading headlines out loud. It has a 98% approval rating.)

Quebec’s Response: “This Is Cute, But More French, Please”

Unsurprisingly, Quebec is demanding more.

“C’est un bon début,” said an unnamed spokesperson for the Quebecois Film Council, “but we need to ensure that at least 75% of this content is en français.”

Netflix has responded by introducing an auto-dub feature, where all actors will be re-voiced by that one guy who dubs every Hollywood actor in Quebec.

The CBC Responds: “Welcome to the Party”

The CBC, Canada’s OG source of aggressively patriotic programming, has responded to the new law with a casual shrug.

“Look, we’ve been making shows about moose and wheat fields for decades,” said a CBC executive. “It’s nice of Netflix to finally catch up.”

To drive the point home, CBC immediately announced a 12-hour documentary on the history of poutine, airing exclusively on Sunday afternoons (because when else would it?).

Final Thoughts: A Win for Canada?

Is this law a major victory for Canadian culture? Or just a hilarious overcorrection that will somehow lead to a Netflix reboot of Degrassi starring actual geese?

One thing is certain: this is the most important thing to happen to Canada since Céline Dion’s Vegas residency.

And if you disagree? Go watch an American cooking show and think about what you’ve done.