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Canada Announces New Tax on Breathing, Just to See If Anyone Notices
The Canadian government has introduced a controversial new "Breathing Tax," charging citizens for every inhale, exhale, and sigh. Is this a joke? Unfortunately, no.
By Karen Taxley – Ottawa, Ontario
OTTAWA – In a bold new revenue-generating strategy, the federal government has announced a ‘Carbon Utilization Fee’—also known as a tax on breathing—just to see if Canadians are still paying attention.
“We’ve successfully taxed everything else,” said Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland, while casually flipping through a 200-page government guide titled “New Ways to Collect Your Money.” “We figured, why not go for the one thing people do literally all the time?”
According to government estimates, the ‘Breath Tax’ will generate $80 billion annually—or more, depending on how many Canadians decide to start holding their breath in protest.
How Will This Work?
Starting April 1, 2024, all Canadians will be required to track and report their oxygen consumption.
📄 Standard Breathing Tax: $0.05 per inhale, $0.07 per exhale.
📄 Heavy Sighing Surcharge: An extra $1.00 for every deep sigh caused by this tax.
📄 Gym & Exercise Levy: Higher fees for people who insist on breathing excessively during workouts.
📄 Snoring Duty: An extra nightly fee for “unregulated air expulsion.”
(Note: Canadians caught holding their breath to avoid the tax may be fined for “tax evasion.”)
Who Will Be Affected the Most?
Government officials have assured the public that “only the wealthiest breathers” will be impacted, but leaked documents suggest the tax will disproportionately target the following groups:
😤 Frustrated Canadians sighing over grocery prices.
🏃♂️ Joggers, gym-goers, and anyone attempting ‘healthy breathing habits.’
😴 People who snore in their sleep. (Your spouse can report you anonymously.)
🍁 Canadians screaming at the Leafs during playoffs. ($2 surcharge per overtime game.)
Meanwhile, corporations will receive massive breathing tax exemptions, because of course they will.
Canadians React: Mostly Just Sighing (Now Taxed)
When news of the tax broke, Canadians had mixed reactions:
🗣️ “Wait, they can do that?” – Jake, 34, Someone Who Just Googled ‘How to Leave Canada’
🗣️ “I knew it was bad when they started taxing plastic bags, but THIS?!” – Lisa, 41, Concerned Shopper
🗣️ “Does this mean I get a rebate for my sleep apnea machine?” – Greg, 58, Furious CPAP User
Others were less surprised, noting that the government had already taxed:
✔️ Income (obviously)
✔️ Groceries (but somehow not chips?)
✔️ Gasoline (even if you don’t drive, you still pay for it)
✔️ Carbon emissions (as if we have a choice?)
✔️ Alcohol, sugar, and anything remotely fun
“Honestly, I just assume they’ll tax my thoughts next,” sighed one Canadian—before realizing they just paid an extra dollar for sighing.
How to Avoid the Breathing Tax
For Canadians looking to evade this absurd tax, financial experts suggest the following strategies:
💨 “Shallow Breathing Method” – Take small, controlled breaths to minimize taxable inhales.
💨 “Silent Suffering” – Hold in frustration to avoid sighing fees.
💨 “Deep Sea Diver Training” – Learn to hold your breath for extended periods and dodge taxes entirely.
💨 “Move to Alberta” – There’s a 50/50 chance they’ll refuse to enforce the tax out of spite.
Where Will the Money Go? (Nobody Knows)
Despite promises that revenue from the Breath Tax will “go back to Canadians”, leaked government documents suggest the funds will be spent on:
💸 More consultants to study why people hate taxes.
💸 Gold-plated carbon tax receipts for MPs.
💸 A new “Apology Budget” to explain why this was a bad idea.
Meanwhile, Trudeau has reassured Canadians that this tax is “about fairness.” (Fairness for whom remains unclear.)
When asked if he would personally pay the Breath Tax, Trudeau took a dramatic pause, exhaled loudly, and immediately owed $3.50.
