🚨 Disclaimer: The Maple Curtain is a satirical publication—nothing here is real, including our so-called journalists. Take it easy, eh? 🍁
🚨 Disclaimer: The Maple Curtain is a satirical publication—nothing here is real, including our so-called journalists. Take it easy, eh? 🍁
Moose are watching us, and nobody is asking why. Are they government spies? Secret overlords? Psychic entities? One thing is certain—Canada’s moose population sees everything.
Despite rumors of a resurgence, experts confirm that the Canadian penny is still worth absolutely nothing. Investors who hoarded them in hopes of a financial windfall are now left with useless jars of regret.
A Newfoundland weatherman has officially quit after 25 years, admitting he’s "tired of lying" about the province’s completely unpredictable weather. In his farewell message, he advised Newfoundlanders to assume chaos and never trust a forecast
Céline Dion and The Tragically Hip have officially been added to Canada’s citizenship test. Newcomers will now need to prove they understand the national importance of Céline’s ballads and Gord Downie’s lyrics before becoming Canadian.
Tim Hortons is now charging extra for the paper bag that holds your overpriced donuts. First, they shrank the coffee sizes. Now, they’re nickel-and-diming us on basic packaging. Is this just the beginning?
Loblaws has announced the “Empty Bag” for $4.99, calling it a "premium grocery experience." The bag contains absolutely nothing but still costs as much as a meal. Canadians are outraged but will probably still buy it anyway. Read the full story here.
CBC has announced Frozen Souls, a new drama about sad people in a cold place. Featuring emotionally distant characters, endless snowfall, and haunting violin music, critics are already calling it "the most CBC show ever created." Read the full story here.
Why does Canadian Tire sell everything EXCEPT the one thing I came in for? No matter what I’m looking for, it’s either “out of stock,” in the wrong aisle, or only available online. But sure, I can buy a chainsaw and a canoe in December.
Why does EVERY Tim Hortons have a lineup, no matter what time of day? Whether it’s 3 PM or 3 AM, there are always at least seven cars in the drive-thru, three confused customers inside, and one guy paying for a single coffee with nickels.
The Great Poutine Shortage of 1987 remains one of Canada’s most devastating food crises. With cheese curds and gravy in short supply, the nation faced desperation, black market deals, and government intervention.
